So there I was standing beside a person who I haven’t been able to forgive in three months. Honestly, it felt weird. By normal standards I should’ve felt anger towards her. All I felt was a wave of peace come over me. I can’t look back to the very second I forgave her, but I’m so glad that I did. It’s over.
How is this posible?
I’ve been on my knees praying for forgiveness for who knows how long. I’ve felt fake-forgiveness a dozen times but every single time I slipped and fell back into anger. how can I know that this isn’t just another fake ending to this never-ending circle of hate?
Unlike my other forgivenesses, I can feel this one. It feels solid, concrete and like nothing can knock it down. It’s like a wall has crumbled from around my heart and I can finally let the darkness out. The only explaination is Christ’s hand tearing down that wall that I have guarded myself with for the longest time. Lately I’ve been so tired of being fake happy. Pretending to be happy is nowhere close to being real happy. Fake happy is loud, empty and dark. Real happiness is quiet, filling and so rewarding. I can now say that I am truly happy. It’s over. No more bitterness, no more trying to relive the past when it’s all meaningless, no more thinking of things I’ve done that can come back to haunt me. It’s over.
There’s a song that says:
And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then restart
Because I like to keep my issues drawn
It’s always darkest before the dawn
It’s over. Dawn has come. All I have to do is watch the sunrise.