I’m blessed to see so much knowledge, so much wisdom, so many smart experienced people. I’ve learned so much, been supported by others but when the time for decisions comes I still struggle. I still make decisions that I regret, and recently I’ve been looking over my life and I’m not satisfied. I just don’t know. I want a perfect world, a place where everything will work out but even when I get some things I think I want, it’s not good enough.
Maybe I wanted too much, or maybe things just happened to fast. These decisions are things that I can’t be on the fence about. This is my life, I want to set my self up for success but what does success look like. I’m so confused. What do I want. It’s something hat just stews in my mind. I can’t be on the fence because then everyone will hate me. I can’t just leave because that might end up being worse than anything else. Everything just gets blown out of proportions. I hear Matthew 7:7a, “Ask and it will be given to you” and I’m searching but am I even in the right ballpark. Do I even know what to search for. I go in circles, finding things to blame. The truth is I don’t know what I want, and I just end up feeling scared. I fear being left behind, left disoriented.
I’m not facing the little Sunday school issues anymore. These are real issues things that I really have to think about.
I feel like I like a sheep being guided by the shepherd except I’m blind. I can hear my shepherds voice. I have a general idea of were I think I want to go, but I really don’t know and the others are streaming past me. I’m scared that if I don’t move I’ll be left behind, alone. So I go with the flow, go to places that maybe aren’t the best for me. When I find out where I’ve gone I’m unsure. I try and really on what others describe to me but words only say so much. I have to make the decision of whether or not I want to be there. I could leave and end up in a more uncomfortable position, and I could stay and enjoy myself but I have trouble deciding. What do I want, what will other think of what I do. So I stay in the same place just ignoring the issue that is imminent. I’m helpless, and yet hopeful.
I’m angry for what’s happening but I’m looking for an answer. The struggle is real but God is in control so I can only trust that whatever happens good or bad, something good will come out of it. “If you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from there,’ and it will move move; Nothing will be impossible for you.” – Matthew 17:20