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Stumbling into Stillness

There’s something about the stillness that God calls me to that is terrifying.

Stillness scares me, stillness is a place where I have to pay attention to every thought that runs through my head.
Stillness fills me with the truth of what is going on inside of me – and that is a place I am scared to touch, scared to encounter. Scared to enter into. When I try to enter into God’s stillness I feel like I am just stumbling around – unable to find the entrance… unable to feel where to start.

Becoming truly still means becoming aware of where I am at – and that isn’t where I want to be most of the time. Stillness reminds me of the fears and worries that invade my heart and fill me with anxiety.
Stillness is scary.
But then God fills my being with the words, “Be still. And know that I am GOD.”

His kind of stillness is the kind of stillness I most desperately long for – the stillness of the presence of God, the stillness of a beautiful, heavy peace that seems to invade every corner of your heart… every single piece of you.
But that stillness seems impossible to enter into with the thoughts that invade instead.

But I am reminded again today that God calls us out of the fear. Out of the worry – and into the surrender. Surrender doesn’t seem easy. Surrender means I actually have to admit that this is all going on inside of me. Surrender. I wish that in order to grasp the stillness that God offers I just had to admit bits and pieces of what’s going on inside my head – but surrender is full. Surrender means all.
God calls us into a place of freeing peace. That is what I long for. A place that knows not the name of fear. A place of the complete, full presence of God.

It’s like the fog filling this building now: heavy, dense – intrusive, invading every corner it can touch – every space that is empty of it, full of the presence of its power. That’s the presence of God. Heavy, thick – outlining the lights, bringing the beams into view and making all this beautiful. Surrounding.

How am I worthy of this stillness that God calls me to? I sat in my seat today as we prayed and I asked God this question that I encounter quite often – “How am I worthy? You are so full God, You are perfect. The things I’ve thought, the things I say – I am so unworthy of You. How can I even think myself enough to ask You to be near me? “

But then I am answered with God’s absolutely wondrous words. He says to me – and to you – “My child. You are mine. I fill in the distance between us and I call you worthy – I call you beautifully flawed – I call you mine.”
The stillness that I know – the one where my thoughts invade and the silence seems to be writhed with anxiety – seems so far away from the stillness that God calls me to. But He fills in the gap between my mind and His love, and through surrender I can finally step into His stillness. Even if it’s a stumbling step, a broken step – He doesn’t care. I can finally feel the presence of God invade the silence.

His presence speaks so much louder than any words I could fill the silence with.

It seems so complicated – but really it’s so simple.
Surrender seems difficult. Surrender seems complicated. But what God calls us into isn’t complicated. What He calls us into is stillness – surrender. And He will do the rest.

I see His arm reaching out towards me as I reach out mine to Him. My arms can only go so far – but His reaches the rest that I cannot reach on my own. God thanks for this soft yet wondrous image of You. You are absolutely beautiful.

I pray for those reading this, God that You would stir us towards You once again. Fill empty hearts as we try to reach out to You. Lord God You are changing this place in a beautiful way.

About Jessica

Figuring out life one day at a time and loving Jesus while doing it.

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