Church. I grew up in it, and learned about Jesus, God, and the Holy Spirit. So what? I became Jaded. That is, I got bored of church, Jesus, and even God. I wanted to be a christian and be following Christ. I really did, but how could I when it didn’t seem real. Actually, I was unsure if God even heard me, so I started praying the same prayer every night. “Lord, just use me for your purpose, I want to be able to serve you. Let me see you.” It just made me feel self conscious and things didn’t seem to change at all.
Then in the summer between grade seven and grade eight, something happened near the end of the summer. Something that has stuck with me and changed me, for better or for worse. A friend gave up. To be frank, my friend committed suicide. I was devastated. I went to the open casket viewing, and just sat in the back and cried. It hurt so bad. I couldn’t even bring myself to look at my friend’s face. Ithought that if I went up, I wouldn’t be able to handle it. Staggering outside, I called my ride to take me home.
I remember being in my room and just lying on my bed staring at the ceiling. I ran it through my head multiple times, imagining all the ways that I could have saved my friend. If only I had known. I had run into the middle of a quicksand ocean, with no visible way out, being pulled down. I was flailing, forgetting to lie on my back.
Then I met a friend at the library. We talked and we cried. we shared our memories. We told each other it would be okay. I started searching for answers and met my friend’s friends who had also gone through the same thing. We questioned everything. Life, God, people. Through this searching and thinking, I found my real faith, and held it close. I was Baptized near the end of grade eight. Since then, I sure don’t have all the answers, but I stand up for those who need it and try to listen to those who need to talk. I am not perfect, and there are lots of things I don’t understand, and I understand that I don’t understand.
“The LORD is my light and my salvation–so why should I be afraid? The LORD is my fortress, protecting me from danger, so why should I tremble?” Psalm 27:1.