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A Neophyte Faith

Church. I grew up in it, and learned about Jesus, God, and the Holy Spirit. So what? I became Jaded. That is, I got bored of church, Jesus, and even God. I wanted to be a christian and be following Christ. I really did, but how could I when it didn’t seem real. Actually, I was unsure if God even heard me, so I started praying the same prayer every night. “Lord, just use me for your purpose, I want to be able to serve you. Let me see you.” It just made me feel self conscious and things didn’t seem to change at all.

Then in the summer between grade seven and grade eight, something happened near the end of the summer. Something that has stuck with me and changed me, for better or for worse. A friend gave up. To be frank, my friend committed suicide. I was devastated. I went to the open casket viewing, and just sat in the back and cried. It hurt so bad. I couldn’t even bring myself to look at my friend’s face. Ithought that if I went up, I wouldn’t be able to handle it. Staggering outside, I called my ride to take me home.

I remember being in my room and just lying on my bed staring at the ceiling. I ran it through my head multiple times, imagining all the ways that I could have saved my friend. If only I had known. I had run into the middle of a quicksand ocean, with no visible way out, being pulled down. I was flailing, forgetting to lie on my back.

Then I met a friend at the library. We talked and we cried. we shared our memories. We told each other it would be okay. I started searching for answers and met my friend’s friends who had also gone through the same thing. We questioned everything. Life, God, people. Through this searching and thinking, I found my real faith, and held it close. I was Baptized near the end of grade eight. Since then, I sure don’t have all the answers, but I stand up for those who need it and try to listen to those who need to talk. I am not perfect, and there are lots of things I don’t understand, and I understand that I don’t understand.

“The LORD is my light and my salvation–so why should I be afraid? The LORD is my fortress, protecting me from danger, so why should I tremble?” Psalm 27:1.

 

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19 comments

  1. Well said Xeberon. I have never lost anybody close to me in my life so I don’t know how it feels but I can imagine how it feels. So sorry but glad it brought you closer to God!

  2. I’ve never lost a friend but I lost me great opa and it hurt me so bad. I asked God why. Why did he does this? Why did he have to take him away from me. I cried and cried for a couple of day’s. He was my mom’s opa and she wasn’t a hurt as I was because for some reason me and him had a really big an close bond. I thought that when he died that I lost my world. I didn’t talk to anyone about it and when I went to school I would pretend that everything was OK but it wasn’t. It never was and I thought that I would never be the same. My cousin from the other side of my family contacted me and asked if I wanted to come over and I said yes because I hadn’t talked to her in awhile. When I got there she told me that we should go to her room. When I sat on her bed I wondered why I was there. She said ” I know your not OK, I know that you miss him.” I cried right then and there she was the closest person to me and she knew that I was deeply hurt. We talked all night the night and the next day I felt like a big relief was taken off of me. I felt happy to wake up again She was the only one who knew what was going on and how she could fix it an help me get better. All you need is someone who will talk to you about it but at the Same time they will listen to what you have to say.

    • Xeberon

      I am sorry Michellev. Losing people is a long and painful journey and I am sorry you had to go down that path. I hope that are OK. I will be praying for you.

  3. Margie

    This so so touching. Thank you for sharing. Follow God, even if your blinded, and he will keep you safe. KEEP WRITING! Your a fantastic writer!

  4. This is the first post I have really been touched by. I have never lost a friend but I can relate to this story and it encourages me to keep pressing on in life and to trust in God.

  5. This really helped me, and i can relate to it. Thank you

  6. I understand completely….its hard to lose someone you think is going to be there your whole life….I never lost a friend but..i almost lost a parent…it was hard i cursed and swore at God enraged that he dare let them do this…i was angry and hurt,i had questions that i wanted to be answered but yet i wouldn’t listen.It was tough it always will be im still trying to settle my anger,my frustration and all the mixed emotions that make me turn away from God.But i cant turn from God or else the devil wins right?but yet how can I just forgive him?he nearly took my Mom away…i dont know…thanks for this though..i appreciate it..i really relate and struggle with these problems.

    • Xeberon

      I am sorry that you almost lost a parent, and had to go through a time of questioning, for I know how hard it is.

    • I’m sorry to hear that you almost lost a parent! It must have been hard to deal with all of the stress. I’ve never been in that situation but I have had friends attempt suicide which thankfully they are still alive today. Hopefully nothing like this ever happens again too you again!!!

  7. Hey, this article was very deep. I have never lost a friend or loved one, but i feel that I may not react the best to it. You actually reacted very well. I am so glad that you were able to come back to Christ. I hope that you will keep your faith in God and keep living for Him.

  8. I’ve never really experienced losing someone that close to me, so it was a kind of hard for me to relate. But this reminded me to not be afraid, because God is always there in the good and the bad. This article really pushed me more to trust in God. Thanks for writing this!

  9. This is what I was needing, i’m the same as you, I don’t know where God is. To be truthful if he even exists in my mind cause I don’t even know if he is, I hear so many people about what happened with God, and what he’s doing for them. I don’t get anything of that, but I want to. I have never experienced what you have, losing a loved one in a way that you feel sadness. But one day I hope to find God, cause frankly I want God, I want the stories, miracles and relationship with him. Same as you I grew up in the church, school, Sunday mass. But I don’t want the same old same old. I want change, I know its hard but what you said in this article was greatly inspiring. In God you can receive good and bad but me myself I have yet experienced anything like that. You spoke great words in this piece, keep writing.

    • Xeberon

      Dear reihenk:
      Not everyone experiences God at the same time, or even in the same way. For me, hearing from God and knowing he is always there, required something drastic to happen. In many cases, to be able to find God, many people pour out everything. You ask yourself, am I ready for whatever may happen, and if you think the answer is yes, then you are well on your journey already.
      With the church thing, try asking at youth or bible studies about things you do not understand in the sermon and maybe request to go through some of the bible that is not “Sunday school” approved. There are a lot of places in the bible that most people do not even want to look at, or they skim over it. You might be surprised at what you find. Also, church and other places try to tone down or stereotype messages. Try removing biases and make it real.
      If you want change, make sure you are not looking for change just for the sake of change.
      Thank you for the ecouragement
      Ps: Sorry if this has been a bit blunt

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