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Confusion

Maybe it was a sign.

Or maybe it was just a test.

What happened last summer was complete confusion for me. Since the middle of January my family has been informed that we would be moving to British Columbia (where I am from) because of my dad’s work.

We packed. We informed friends and family. We put our house up for sale.

I was reluctant to go and wanted to stay. Yes, I would be moving towards old friends and a lot of family members but I didn’t want to leave my friends here. Knowing this, I tried to prepare myself emotionally.

Keyword: tried.

It was hard having friends cry when you told them the news and everything seemed like a “oh we have to do this one last time because Vaneza’s going to not be here anymore” kind of thing.

It sucked.

It sucked knowing you were going to miss so many opportunities. But do you know what sucked more?

The fear of not being able to keep in touch. The fear of thinking you’re going to be stuck while everyone around you is moving on in their lives. The fear that everyone is going to be saved except you. As selfish as it sounds, I think this fear is what made me want to stay.

My friend’s were looking for a miracle. A miracle for me to stay. But as time went by, I found it was hopeless.

The majority of my room was in boxes. The house had to be spotless for people to view the house. There was a “for sale” sign in our front yard. Parents became busy with work for the upcoming move. I got accepted into my cousins school. Goodbye parties were made. Everything was set to place.

Except we didn’t actually move.

My dad received a call saying that the man that was going to replace him here in Alberta quit. Also a lot of jobs opened up. The company needed my dad to stay another year.

Luckily the house wasn’t sold.

I guess my friends did receive a miracle… But it always made me wonder, is this a sign that I’m supposed to stay in Alberta for another year? Is this a test to see if my faith with God is still good? I don’t know. I don’t think I’ll ever know till the future.

But what made me most frustrated was the moment I heard we were going to stay I didn’t rejoice. No, my mind suddenly screamed for me to move to BC. I thought I wanted to stay, but the moment we weren’t going I wanted to go.

Thinking about it now, I sound like a stubborn five year old.

It was nice for my friend’s since they rejoiced that I was staying. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that I stayed too. But I just feel that I have a part of me in both places.

When we went to BC for a week in the summer, a part of me missed my family. I guess you could call it my “past life”. It was sad hearing family members ask “so when are you moving?” since we have a lot of family and word hasn’t gotten around. It was hard to hear my parents story over and over and over again making you wonder what would happen if we really did move.

But I guess that’s how life is.

Yes, it’s sad knowing you’re not moving, but it’s not like you’re never going to see your friends and family members again. Instead of sulking around I should take this opportunity to spend time with my friends here. You never know what’s going to happen next year; I might actually be moving.

With all of these situations, I learned that I have to trust God more. I obviously don’t know the big picture now but I have to trust that everything God is doing in my life is for a purpose.

Like hey, maybe I’m inspiring you right now. Or maybe I’ll use my past experiences to guide someone else.

I’ll never know now. Like maybe in ten years I’ll look back at this and laugh at how stupid I was (which is probably going to happen), but, knowing I’m never alone and having God help me through this stress always makes me feel better somehow. With all the stress and confusion, we need to remember that sometimes we don’t have the pen to write our story, but instead God does.

We’re all connected through friends and family, and through rough times, we just need to put our trust towards them and also God.

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8 comments

  1. Hey VanezaA, I read your article and I thought of a story, Genesis 22 where God tells Abraham to kill his son Isaac, the chosen one, for a burnt offering. Abraham prepared himself to sacrifice Isaac. Then God tells Abraham to put down his burden (the knife) and look toward the bramble. God provided a way out of what seemed like an impossible situation that didn’t make sense and seemed as if God didn’t know what he was doing. I think that God was testing your faith and you have passed his test. This may not be a permanent fix for you, but then again who knows. I’ll be praying for you!

  2. I completely understand what you are saying. I was in that same situation having to move to another place and having to go to another school. You are very blessed being able to stay in your home another year and you should enjoy every moment because moving is tough and not very fun. Remember that God loves you and he has plan for everyone, and this is part of the plan he has for you.

  3. I know how you feel. You can tell me I’m wrong, or that I don’t, but trust me. I do. The feeling of being left behind as your friends continue their lives without you. The feeling of leaving those you love. The feeling of the unknown. The feeling of being frustrated, because you don’t know where God is leading you, or where he wants you to go.

    But you’re right. There is a hidden big picture. There is a secret purpose. When I found out you weren’t moving with me, my heart honestly tore in two. I felt so much more alone and isolated. Almost like everything I was planning on doing suddenly lost some of its meaning. But hey, it’s like you said. “That’s life.” There’s a reason why I’m here, and you’re there. And we’ve just got to trust God in what He’s doing, and in the process, fill the time we spend with joy and love.

  4. I can really relate to this. Moving sucks, especially when you have to leave your friends and family behind. I’ve experienced the same thing; moving to a different place, going to a new school. Unfortunately, sometimes we can’t control what happens in our life. But we all need to remember that God has a plan, and for you, that plan was to stay and not move. It may seem confusing, but you need to remember that, that was for the best.
    You’re right; whenever we don’t understand the situation, we need to always trust in God, even if it means leaving our past and starting new again.

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