You know the vicious cycle of self-esteem?
Where you need reassurance desperately but you feel terrible for needing the reassurance in the first place? Then you sit alone in the dark wondering what to do and recounting all prior things you wish you hadn’t done, and sway in agony. Loneliness is so complete and endless. It holds no one else. You cannot and will not talk to anyone. True loneliness.
I then realized, God is in this place with me. I’m not alone. But my mind decided to push Him away automatically, no matter how much I needed Him. No matter how much my life hinged on it.
Loneliness is so unbearable it doesn’t matter how strong you are. You want to talk but you just can’t, you want help but you don’t want pity or to screw anything up. You even feel terrible for needing to talk at all! You should be strong enough to deal with it on your own, right? Right?
I once heard someone say ‘You can’t rely on others to always pick you up’. I think God gave us one another soley for this purpose. This is the idea behind community, which is found in the Bible. Of course, we need to have some will of our own, but we also have God. We don’t have to do things alone no matter how much we wish to believe it. In the back of my mind I always thought I would.
Sometimes I really hate my mind.
I have so much to say yet so little I can.
If you live in fear of trusting you’ll never grow or learn, even if it ends badly it will open up your mind I promise you that. When you feel stuck going on day after day, it’s because you are stunting yourself, not taking the necessary risks. You will continue to feel this way until you try.
I believe in God. He is real. Sometimes I find myself, even in my strongest moments wondering if He’s there or even listening in the middle of a prayer, but I got out of the house and back to where I belong, in the beauty of nature. I remember that I felt Him in an indescribable way. He felt real. True. Reliable. He is…REAL…try to comprehend it, let it sink in, let your brain twist it around in your head.
God will never leave you, though friends may, He will not, I promise you on my soul, spirit and faith. Faith should not be based off of your church sheduel, it should based off of how much you question and analyze evey inch of God and His word. He’ll always be there. You may still feel lonely, but He will sit with you in the dark when you just cannot see the light.
Your testimony is what it is for a reason.