Lately, every task has seemed meaningless to me. At times, it doesn’t even feel like I have much to live for.
Lately, I have been making increasingly bad decisions.
I can’t seem find the reason behind my unhealthy life choices, but somehow, I keep making them. Every time it happens, I try to feel something at all; anything reminiscent of remorse or shame.
Nothing significant ever comes.
If a negative feeling does come through, it doesn’t stay long. Then, I’m onto my next terrible choice. Most times, I feel as if I’m watching someone else control my body. I know in my heart; the person I display to the public isn’t me. Still; there I am. I feel almost indifferent to all the choices I make. I know I’m not doing what I need to, what God needs me to do, but I still act in a unhealthy manner.
In a horrible analogy, my choices are like a bus; where the passengers know how to go the right way, and are screaming which way to go, but the driver proceeds to go in the opposite direction.
One night, I truly felt as though I had nothing to lose. So, I acted on the feeling. I didn’t act like myself, and surprised/disappointed a lot of people. The worst part was, I felt no connection to the feelings. My own, or others around me.
I understand what I would lose if I continue (and worsen) my behaviour. Not only would I lose the trust of people close to me, I would further distance myself from God.
Every human on this Earth, strays from Gods plan. Whether they have placed a toe outside the path, or completely made a U turn; everyone can relate to the sensation. Each step out of line has the potential to impact something bigger; but a common misconception is that people who stray away, never find their way back home. Although it may be a treacherous journey, everyone lost can be found.
In these times, people may turn away from God. When you feel so hopeless and empty, it’s hard to trust. Especially in someone you cannot see and, in the moment, cannot feel. Still, God will not leave you behind in your dark times. He might feel disappointed in you, but could never give up on you.
I have no clue when I will stop making unwise choices; and begin again to live by the guildlines He has put in place.
It could be a week, it could be 10 years.
All I know, is that wherever I’m at, He will support and continue to love me. His help is offered to anyone who wants or needs it.
Try the best you can, and stay hopeful. No one ever knows exactly what they are doing, and how they are feeling at all times. One thing to remember though, is that you have everything to lose.
Everything has to get better sometime, and God has a purpose for us all.