Do you ever wake up and ask yourself “Why?”. Why does every day feel like your trapped in a box with no key? Why is it that no one seems to understand? Why do I try when nothing seems to work? Will I ever get through this pit of utter darkness? Will I ever look back at this and be happy? Will things ever make sense? Will I finally be excepted despite my flaws? These were the thoughts I had every day for about 3 years. I was born In white fish Montana. Then my family moved to Colorado when I was about 2-3 years old. We eventually moved into the house that I called home for most of my life. Now, I was a very troubled child. I was super emotionally unstable and defiant. We really didn’t have an explanation for my problems till awhile later in life. Now eventually I found some medication that made me half decently ok. Besides my mothers year of terrible depression things were pretty good. Now when I was in third grade something happened. My Dad felt God telling him we need to move to Canada. Now this was a rational decision because my dads business would thrive much more in Canada. But our hearts were not in support of this move. In truth we loved Colorado, we had community and we had friends. Generally things were going good. But in obedience to God, we moved.
The first three years of being in Canada were the hardest years of my life. In fourth grade at my new school I was to say the least, unsettled. I got made fun of quite a bit. Basically every week I would have a emotional breakdown and I was doing terrible in my grades. The thing was I didn’t have the tools to combat my struggle with learning. Also, I was super defiant and disrespectful. I was confused, angry, and sad. Now I made some decent friends. They were kind and caring of and on. But I knew that the teacher had told them to hang with me. Which didn’t help. Now one of the people in that group is now my closest friend. But it wasn’t always that way. Now summers were the worst, because at camp I was known as the kid who was always having meltdowns and super awkward. Also everyday was a battle emotionally.
Fith grade, that was a very interesting year. Nothing changed emotionally and academically. But my relationships struggled to stay positive. I got in trouble a lot. And I experienced emotional bullying. My best friend “betrayed me” now in know this is dramatic but it sure felt that way. Then at the end of the year I was diagnosed with ADHD, Depression, and ODD. Basically all of those together added up to being a train-wreck all the time. Now this year was by far the hardest year of my life. Every month I was trying a new medication. This meant I was basically going from crazy to sad to disappointed to being tired to being angry. Also , My mom and my dad were separated. And that heightened me being suicidal. So I was depressed, angry, confused, suicidal. I did no school that year. It was impossible. Now one night I was hanging with my dad and I decided I couldn’t hang with him until he decides to change. I told my own father whom I lived very much to leave. After that decision was made my mind filled with darkness. As I sat alone with a bottle of pills in my hand ready to end it all something happened. Something in my heart stirred. I put the bottle down and called my mother. God saved me that night. If he hadn’t have shined a light into my heart I might’ve not been here today. My mother came home. I don’t remember exactly what went through my head that night, but, but it was probably “Your worthless, because you see, everything you love, you ruin.” The rest of the year was still really hard, but at least I was alive.
The summer before 7th grade, if it wasn’t redemption, I don’t know what is. I had an encounter with the undying love and grace of Jesus Christ. That night I fell on my knees and God entered my heart like never before. The fire that he put in my heart was blazing. For the first time in life, I had peace. I realized that God loves me , and that I’ll never be alone. And I realized that I did not Have to fight. I realized that God loves who I am.
7th grade, what a glorious year. Sca was one of the best things that ever happened to me. For once I was accepted. I made healthy relationships that have made life that much better. I truly was at peace. Sure things weren’t perfect and frankly 8th grade sucked. 8th grade I started to loose who I was and I was Very emotional. But theres a very significant difference from me being emotional in 6th grade and being emotional in 8th grade. I had hope. I had HOPE. And I was able to look at the year and be able to see the positive. Well, not most of the time. But I still saw it. That fire that god had put in my heart was but a spark, but a spark is a lot better than nothing. And I can truly tell you that I would not be who I am today if I did not go through those awful things. I can see how god used all of that for good. Now don’t get me wrong, I still struggle just as much as everyone else and I don’t understand a lot about god. But what I do know is a simple fact, God turns dirt into gold. The negative experiences I have had in life have helped me in so many ways.
Why am I telling you this you ask? Well, when I was going through my mental struggles and depression I felt as if nothing would ever get better. I believed things would stay the same. I would never make friends, I would never be loved, and I would never succeed. I promise you, you can not become gold without going through fire. God has a plan. Back then I didn’t see it, but now I understand that the things that happen that are terrible will make other things bearable. If you are going through something hard and confusing I want to tell you that though you may not see it now, things happen for a reason, and keep going. Don’t give up. Keep pushing forward. Keep holding onto hope. Jesus loves you and he has a plan. trust in him and he will make your path straight.
2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.