I just wanted to share something with all of you that I truly believe may help you…
In case you didn’t know, I have depression, and adhd. I have been suicidal many times in the past. For the last 6.5 weeks I have been trying new antidepressants. And they don’t seem to be doing the job. I have missed three weeks of school because of how I have felt. You may be thinking, “Well yeah that obviously sucks but why are you telling me this?”. Well, the reason I am telling you this is because I believe there was a high chance that I would not have been writing this article. There was a high chance that I would never have come to SCA. There was a high chance that I would not have met my friends who have made my journey far more bearable. Most of all, there was a high chance I wouldn’t be alive. There was a high chance that I would be 6 feet under the ground right now. If it were not for Christs undying love and compassion I would have died in 6th grade.
You see, depression consumes you. It consumes your mind and your heart. It has the power to destroy you and the fraction of hope you still have left. 6th grade was the hardest year of my life. I was suicidal, and an absolute basket case. Plus, my parents were separated. So that added to the garbage dump that was 6th grade.
One night, I was at the height of my depression, or rather, the deepest point. I had had to make a choice to tell someone I loved with all my heart to leave me, until the person chose to get better. Once the door closed the pin of the grenade in my mind was yanked away. And my mind was pulsing with millions of destructive and harmful thoughts. I thought to myself, “This could all end, this could all be over, all the pain, all the heartbreak could disappear. All it would take was a whole bottle of pills. It would all be over. As I opened the cap and was about to make the most detrimental decision of my life, something happened. All the flames in my mind ceased to exist. And for the first time, I felt an overwhelming amount of peace. And although The voice wasn’t audible, I heard in my heart “Your story isn’t finished”. And in that moment I felt a peace that transcended all understanding. I threw away the pills and called my mother and told her what I was about to do. She rushed home and sat with me as I Cried myself to sleep. The rest of the year was still rough, but I was alive. That’s all that mattered. No matter how I felt I was STILL alive.
Eventually I found somewhat of a balance in my meds. And something happened that summer. Something spectacular. One night I was attending youth camp at sunny-side retreat center sylvan lake and I had an experience with the holy spirit that totally changed my life. At first I was very hesitant. I thought to myself , “Why would I want to let a God who put me through all this to “Love” me, and to “Enter” into my life.” But somehow I decided to go up to the front. I don’t know why I made that decision, but I’m sure glad I did. Once I got up there I started to cry, and then weep, and then cry out to god. I experienced an intensity of Gods love that I never had. I finally felt like I belonged, I finally felt like I mattered. And that I wasn’t just “That annoying kid who had melt downs in class”. I was Gods child. He loved me when I believed no one else did. I asked to be healed from my mental situations that night, very extensively. But it didn’t happen. Sure I was a new person in God, but I still had issues. And although I was so glad I decided to take a leap of faith, I didn’t understand why god didn’t heal me. Now, 7th grade was the best year of my life. I found a group of friends who were of constant support. I finally felt like I Belonged. 8th grade was a downer, there were a lot of good things, but over all my state of mind was defected. This year has been rather interesting, its been quite up and down. But there still is a significant difference from this year and the last when compared to 6th grade. I have HOPE. No matter how sad I am, no matter how insecure I feel. I know that no matter how I feel, and no matter what terrible things are happening, there’s a person who will always love me, even if i cant seem to love myself. This person is Jesus Christ. When my mind consumes me, at least I’m not alone. When doubt fills me, at least I’m not alone. When sadness surrounds me, at least I’m not alone. I am NEVER alone, even if I feel so deeply that I am.
You see, I couldn’t help but compare myself to others. And to be honest I still do, a lot. I thought “He’s so cool, and I’m a looser”, “Hes so jacked, and I am not.”, “Hes so capable, and I am incompetent.”. I’m sure many people reading this know what I’m talking about. Where all you can see is your abundant flaws, and you think so little of yourself because all you see in others is how they are better than you. Although this still happens to me, It’s significantly less than before my experience with Christ.
For a moment at camp, all I felt, was Gods unending grace and love filling my heart. I felt so gosh darn happy. And for the first time in my life, I felt like what others thought of me didn’t matter in the slightest. All that mattered is that the same God who created the sunsets, the oceans, the mountains, and the stars, created me. And he loves me MORE, despite my flaws, despite my failures, and despite my feelings toward myself. The God who created the universe loves ME. And guess what my friend, he loves YOU just as much. So please, be open to gods plans, and be open to gods love. Don’t hold back, be open to what he has in store for you. It will change your life forever, doesn’t mean it will be easy, crap still happens. But you will never be alone again.
And remember that no matter what people say , you are beautiful, you are smart, you are capable, and you are LOVED.