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Heart Hurt & So Much More

I haven’t been able to write for quite a while.
But tonight I feel like there is something on my heart that I need to say. I feel broken again. I feel messy, and torn apart.
Tonight a group of us headed off to PAC center to sort personal items that will be given out to people in need.

I have not been to PAC since last May or June.
How come? I guess… I just got too busy. I forgot how much community matters.
Tonight I had to speak on something very near to my heart – missional living and why in the world I am who I am because of it.

Let me tell you – I haven’t thought about this for a very very long time. I thought when I got back from LA the second time that God had settled me and I was done with the hurt of missing LA as much as I did.

But tonight… that hurt came back. As memories flooded into my mind of Los Angeles… I broke once again.
The hurt is back.

I have pushed these memories so far down inside of me – convincing myself to move on and search for God here and do life again without the constant gnawing at my insides.

But nope. God brought it back once again right to the surface. I can feel that gnawing right underneath my heart and oh man it hurts.
As I stood there in front of the camera about to share the thoughts that were running rampid through my brain I couldn’t get that first word out. I was being asked questions that I haven’t wrestled with in a long time. I was being asked to explain why I love doing life with God… why I fell in love with Him… why I broke for the people of Los Angeles.
I don’t know. I don’t have the answers. I don’t even know where to begin.

There’s just something about God that I can’t seem to shake off. The way He grabs hearts and turns people completely towards Him. The way Jesus walked through streets and healed people that had never met him before but without doubt believed. I am in awe of Jesus and the way He lived life. He is the complete definition of missional living. I want to be like Him. That is why I love doing life with Him. That is why I love Los Angeles. Because it is there where I fell in love with missional living. It is there where I feel Him the most. It is there where I can sit on the concrete sidewalk of Skid Row and feel completely comfortable next to a stranger I had never met.

It is there where I learnt how much I am worth in Him. It is there where I realized that people are people – broken messes who need love. Who need that wooing, powerful – constant love. The love of a God who walks through towns and sits on dirty streets to show love to those who need it so very much.

Tonight – I broke once again. I had forgotten what this feels like. To be broken by God… it hurts. But it isn’t a bad hurt. It is just a hurt that I wish I wouldn’t feel but know I need to. It is a hurt that reminds me that God is a God who isn’t cruel – isn’t mean. He is a God who doesn’t break us apart to leave us in the dirt in pieces. No.
He is a God who chips away at our hearts to bring us closer to Him. To teach us things. To show us His love.
He is a God who loves doing life with us.

What is Missional Living?
Why do I love LA and PAC?
Because it is in those places that I feel God so very near and real.
It is in the moments of sitting on the floor painting a ladies toenails, or in the moments at PAC of discussing which shoes a lady should pick out to keep her warm but also look snazzy that I know what missional living is.
It is in those moments where I feel God next to me – where I know He is real.

So as I keep wrestling tonight with this hurt inside of me that I haven’t let myself feel for a long while – I feel God here. I feel Him gently whispering to me that He is here with me in the wrestle – and can handle the questions and maybe even the anger I have at Him.
I love Him and what He has taught me throughout these past three years of my life.

“You have called me higher, You have called me deeper. And I’ll go where You will lead me LORD – You lead me. I could hold on, I could hold onto who I am and never let You change me from the inside. I could be safe, I could be safe here in Your arms and never let these walls down, but You have called me higher. You have called me deeper. You lead me LORD.”

I could build up these walls around myself and keep the wrestle down deep. But I think God knew that I needed to break again. He knew I needed to remember LA and all the things He did… and is doing, in LA and in me.

He changed me. He’s changing me. I am a work in progress. He is present. He is near. Even in the wrestle. We are all a bit broken – but God loves to use these pieces to create something so full of beauty.

Tonight when I got home I glanced up at the stars. There they were.
Just like in LA, just like in Northwest Territories. He is here too.

Why do I love doing life with Him?
Because He is love, to everyone – no matter what their name is, where they do life or what they have done.
He loves in a way no one else can. Thank You God. Thank You for breaking my heart once again. You are Love. He pulls me out of my comfort and safety and lets the gnawing come back – reminding me that I am made for so much more. Reminding me of the plan He has for me. I don’t understand Him most of the times – but maybe I don’t need to right now. It isn’t easy – but faith wouldn’t be faith if it was easy.

So tonight – let Him gnaw at you. Let Him break You. Pray that He will break Your heart and let You see Him. Let’s dive into Missional Living – because that’s what Jesus did. Let’s love.

About Jessica

Figuring out life one day at a time and loving Jesus while doing it.

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