I guess I just feel like

Sup, my names Luke. First off, I hope this website is still used… Second off, I’m definitely not in grade nine anymore, so I hope I don’t get banned for posting on this.

Anyways, my name is Luke. I graduated from SCA last June and went to pursue LIFE!!! Sick, right? I was reading through some of the last posts I wrote and it kinda made me laugh. Okay, here’s a funny joke… this time last year, I really thought I had life figured out. Honestly up until like six months ago I thought I had life figured. Like I thought I understand this thing called life where anything can happen and I don’t have control over any of it. How naive was I… to think that at eighteen years old, I had life figured out. Okay maybe that wasn’t funny to some of you, but i’m laughing to myself as I write this. You know those times where your friend texts you a meme and you replying “HAHAHAHAHH WOW IM LAUGHING SO HARD”, but you’re staring at your phone straight face without even a hint of joy? WELL, this is not one of those times… Im legit laughing at myself.

Anyways, school was such a rollercoaster ride for me, and I genuinely thank the people who stuck by y side throughout it cause I was a literal train wreck.  Junior high was definitely a time of loneliness and feeling like I wasn’t exactly wanted. For a little while I found a lot of my identify in a pretty shallow relationship with Jesus. Which unfortunately didn’t stick. I was baptized when I was thirteen and I thought in that moment I HAD LIFE FIGURED OUT. Like spiritually I felt unstoppable. But then life got hard, loved ones died, people fought, friends were jerks, got kicked out of class a lot, felt like I was never understood, didn’t know where I fit in really. I definitely didn’t feel wanted, didn’t feel accepted, and had no idea where my place was in this big , harsh world. Maybe some of you guys can relate. My shallow faith in God didn’t stay so strong once life got hard. I don’t know if I gave up because I just didn’t care anymore, or if I gave up because I felt uncared for, but regardless, I really gave up. On a lot of stuff. School, faith, friends, sports, character, morals. I just didn’t care. What was the point in trying so hard if it didn’t even matter in the end. I was always going to get hurt no matter how hard i tried to avoid the pain. I thought it was easier to give up then to never try at all.

High school was a disaster. Until later on, I had very terrible friendships. I felt so incredibly alone all the time, but instead of just telling someone, I pretended to be the happiest dude ever. Because showing people that you don’t have it all together is looked down on in our society, and dealing with pain isn’t how its done… you’re just supposed to pretend it’s not there. Guys I obviously don’t believe this, I’m just stating what society constantly tells us. I hung-out with people I shouldn’t have, and did some things i shouldn’t have. I believed lies that destroyed me on the inside, and I felt like I would never ever be enough. I feel like some of you might relate to that as well.

But heres the happy part, sorry for all the sad stuff. Towards the end of grade 11 I went on a missions trip and found my identify in Jesus. I got new friends, I started to live my life with a purpose, and I also felt this joy that could not be shaken. I was sooooo unstoppable (jk). I literally thought that I had life and faith figured out. I thought nothing bad was ever gonna happen again, my friends were all perfect, God was going to literally tell me what to do with every decision, and I would always feel God with me. Hahah, okay Luke.

Grade twelve was incredible. I prayed with people, lead worship a few times, went on a missions trip, worked at camp, and ministered to some kids. My graduation quote was this quote I found on instagram that said “I’m not sure where I’m going from here, but I promise it wont be boring”. Supposedly David Bowie said it, but who knows for sure. Guys, i literally thought my life was gonna be this sick adventure at all times, and that I would never be sad or down or confused. I was on such a crazy spiritual high that I totally forgot pain and suffering was and is happening everywhere and because of our fallen world is absolutely inevitable.

I spent my summer after high school working at camp with my friends. It was so great. I’m a huge fan of summer camp, and I think it is such an amazing and life changing place. 10/10 would recommend going or working at camp at some point in your life. I saw a ton of kids come to know Jesus at camp, and I worked with some kids who were kinda like me when I was younger. So my summer was pretty rad. Except I felt really lonely at times. But I just pretended like it wasn’t there. Then in September I made a “bold” decision to move to Mexico for a couple months. Because obviously God had no plan for me in boring old sherwood park. I spent my whole life there, but God didn’t want me ministering to Sherwood Park people, it had to be to Mexicans at an orphanage. Guys i’m totally joking about God only having a plan for me in Mexico and not in sherwood park. I hope you’re starting to understand my humour a little bit.

Mexico was pretty rad for the most part. Except I didn’t speak Spanish and literally didn’t do a whole ton. Except eating. I ate so many tacos. Sure I built some really strong relationships with kids, but so did every other missionary who wanted to go change the world. For the first time in a while, I was starting to feel like maybe I didn’t have it all together *gaaaasssssppp*. Yup, I was lost. So I drove, ya literally drove, in a car, all the way to Mexico to try and “find” more of God, and “find” my calling just to realize maybe I had left it behind? Whaaaat? Okay obviously I didn’t leave God behind… but I definitely tried to find a calling that I don’t think ever was there. I definitely felt called to go to Mexico, but let me tell you… It was not to go and change the world. It was to learn. To be present. To figure out that maybe I can actually just serve where I am, and I shouldn’t need to be on a missions trip to actually serve the community. I should be doing it everywhere.

So after three months of living in a 1970’s camper trailer in Mexico, I packed up my bags and went back home. Disclaimer: there was a ton of good that happened in Mexico, and I truly did love my experience and the children that I got to work with. I don’t regret going, I just wished I would’ve gone with different motives. But… God taught me a ton, and I truly matured in my faith so much. Okay back on track. I got back to Alberta with literally no idea what life would look like. I felt like a piece of my heart was still in Mexico, but that God wanted me here, and lemme yell ya, I didn’t know what to do. Yup, I said it. I didn’t know what to do. I finally figured it out… I didn’t have life figured out (Okay that made no sense, but I hope you know what I meant). I had to actually make my own decisions; a lot of the time feeling very little guidance from God. I had to enter back into the really world, and realize that yes God is good, but I still need to be aware of what’s around me.

Just because God is always good, it doesn’t mean that life is always good. Guys, sometimes life literally sucks. And I think that’s one thing that we need to be okay with accepting. The truth is that we live in such a broken and fallen world, and because of that and sin, our life wont always be easy. People will die, parents will divorce, friends will betray you, you will fail at times, you will be confused, you will be anxious, and you will be sad. If we look in the Bible, we’ll see that Jesus felt a lot of the pain that we feel in this world. But like 100x worse than we ever will. I feel like that’s something as Christians we don’t really like talking about. Like I remember in Sunday school I was told that being a Christian is like being a superhero because nothing will hurt you. But that’s not exactly true. We need to be okay with having difficult conversation. Maybe that means talking with your friend or a councillor or a teacher or a pastor and telling them that you aren’t okay. Because it is 100% okay to not be okay, and I don’t want anybody to feel like they need to be a Christian superhero who never gets hurt. Life hurts sometimes… Depression is real, anxiety is real, fear is real, feeling not good enough is real, feeling unloved is real. And guys, the worst thing you can do is just pretend like the pain isn’t there… Because no matter what, you can never hide it from yourself. If we’re being honest with ourselves, I think we can all think of some sort of pain we are feeling that we don’t want to deal with. Instead we just pack it underneath a smile, some nice clothes and a “oh I’m doing great” response whenever someone asks us how we are. But we need to be open. With ourselves and with the people who we trust. I also want everybody to know that just because our life isn’t always good, doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love us or care for us. Because He does. So much. Like way more than we can imagine. I still haven’t figured that out either.

Guys we aren’t supposed to have life figured out. Right now I’m working a terribly boring job, until I start university in the fall. And it really contradicts my “Im not sure where I’m going from here, but I promise it wont be boring” grad quote. But that’s okay. Because God is still good, He is still faithful, and He is still watching over me, even when I don’t notice it.

I guess I just feel like I really don’t have life figured out. I don’t have God figured out, I don’t have my calling figured out, and I certainly don’t have my future figured out. But I guess I just feel like that’s totally okay.

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