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Yellow Elephant

Hey, I’m a person. I was given a computer, and some orders to share with the world my thoughts on spirituality and life. I don’t think they realized that they unleashed a monster. So, I kinda sorta apologize for the extent, depth, and confusion that has been brought about due to the freeing of me. I have many thoughts, but not a lot of people have ever listened to them before. I hope I can reach someone out there who feels similarly and enjoys my mostly random and interesting thoughts.

Recently I have been doing a lot of self evaluation. Just really focusing on my thoughts and emotions. What could have possibly triggered those emotions? If I can’t figure it out, or it’s just a whole bunch of things, I’ll let it flow through me.

I have to keep reminding myself to let things be, and not judge myself for my experience. I mean, really, what other experience do I think I should be having in this situation other than my own? Honestly, how I respond to things teaches me more about myself, and I wouldn’t want to judge that, just live it.

A couple days ago, I was painting. I was painting a yellow elephant. There has been some stuff going on in my life recently that has just flipped it completely upside down. It’s absolutely terrible, and it has shaken the core of my being, and I found myself crying over a video clip from fresh prince because it struck so close to home. Despite this pain, there has also been great growth and learning, better relationships, and ultimately an even deeper rootedness in my values and faith. I have seen who I never want to be. I have also seen what I can become. This isn’t the first time my world has flipped, but this time I find that when the walls crumble, all that is left is me, and I’ve returned to myself because of it. I have also drifted away from some other people.

Which brings me back to the yellow elephant.

I had a moment while I was painting it when I paused and looked at it and was overcome with a sense of resentment and pain.

This has happened to me once before.

I looked down at the elephant and I knew that this wasn’t about the elephant. It was about somebody who had hurt me who’s favorite animal was an elephant.

I looked down at my elephant, and I told it that I loved it, and I continued painting.

The elephant is now in my room, and one of my favoritist paintings I have.

I have had these moments when I see butterflies as well.

Or lipstick.

Or high heels.

And it makes me sad because these are all good things, but they have been attached to a thing in my brain, another person. Another person that is associated with things that aren’t so good. Experiences that carry negative charge.

I’m trying my best to acknowledge this, and disentangle this elephant from this emotion, this person. But it’s hard.

There are things going on right now, and decisions being made, and I’m unsure if I’ll ever forgive them. I can come to peace with these things, and understand these people that have hurt me, but never in my mind will these things be ok, and you will never catch me doing them.

I hope that someday I can see a butterfly, or an elephant, and smile at them. Love them, without these voices at the back of my mind, these faces and emotions.

But at least I can look at my yellow elephant, and know it’s not the elephant’s fault. I can look at myself, and know my intentions, and my emotions, and not fear or be critical of them. I can have grace for myself.

I know this article may not have ended in the most conclusive way, but that is life. There is hope and another article ahead, and right now, a peace.

I hope this has been helpful to some of you out there. Live well. 🙂

About Felraya

I'm a person in this world. Living the greatness I see, and seeing the greatness I live. I take part in the junk of this world, and sift through the mud to find the gold. I love the world. I live here do I not? I chose to be here, and I intend to be here in the most passionate, intentional way possible. I love absolutely random humor. I love my family. My friends. My animals. (all the animals in the world. They are all mine.) I really enjoy hurting my brain with deep questions, and then annoying other people with deep questions. Poetry is my soul, and bike riding or swimming in a lake refreshes that soul. My heart is the light and the dark. My heart is the world. Magical things that don't make sense are my favourite, and I believe I too am a mythical creature. I take part in all of this. I shall explore every valley and hill. Every light place and the deepest of shadows. I will explore myself. And I hope that I can share what I find with you. My monsters are friendly and my dragons are kind. My demons posses great wisdom. That was a lot of beautiful words. ;) Let it all be random.

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  1. Yes! Thank you so much. You are so absolutely insightful and real. It is so hard to find people like you, so thank you for being a gold nugget in a mine of rocks.

  2. Thank you for sharing! You really put things into perspective for me and I really appreciate it!

  3. I love this! Thanks for sharing 🙂

  4. You fully remind me of a friend mine. I read the full article thinking that it was my friend who wrote it, but when I got to the end I was shocked to see that it wasn’t my friend who had written the article. Wait a second, my friend just told me that it was the friend I am thinking of who wrote this article! Huh, what a strange world. By the way though, this article was truly amazing, thank you so much for your insight on life.

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