Hey, I’m a person. I was given a computer, and some orders to share with the world my thoughts on spirituality and life. I don’t think they realized that they unleashed a monster. So, I kinda sorta apologize for the extent, depth, and confusion that has been brought about due to the freeing of me. I have many thoughts, but not a lot of people have ever listened to them before. I hope I can reach someone out there who feels similarly and enjoys my mostly random and interesting thoughts.
Recently I have been doing a lot of self evaluation. Just really focusing on my thoughts and emotions. What could have possibly triggered those emotions? If I can’t figure it out, or it’s just a whole bunch of things, I’ll let it flow through me.
I have to keep reminding myself to let things be, and not judge myself for my experience. I mean, really, what other experience do I think I should be having in this situation other than my own? Honestly, how I respond to things teaches me more about myself, and I wouldn’t want to judge that, just live it.
A couple days ago, I was painting. I was painting a yellow elephant. There has been some stuff going on in my life recently that has just flipped it completely upside down. It’s absolutely terrible, and it has shaken the core of my being, and I found myself crying over a video clip from fresh prince because it struck so close to home. Despite this pain, there has also been great growth and learning, better relationships, and ultimately an even deeper rootedness in my values and faith. I have seen who I never want to be. I have also seen what I can become. This isn’t the first time my world has flipped, but this time I find that when the walls crumble, all that is left is me, and I’ve returned to myself because of it. I have also drifted away from some other people.
Which brings me back to the yellow elephant.
I had a moment while I was painting it when I paused and looked at it and was overcome with a sense of resentment and pain.
This has happened to me once before.
I looked down at the elephant and I knew that this wasn’t about the elephant. It was about somebody who had hurt me who’s favorite animal was an elephant.
I looked down at my elephant, and I told it that I loved it, and I continued painting.
The elephant is now in my room, and one of my favoritist paintings I have.
I have had these moments when I see butterflies as well.
Or high heels.
And it makes me sad because these are all good things, but they have been attached to a thing in my brain, another person. Another person that is associated with things that aren’t so good. Experiences that carry negative charge.
I’m trying my best to acknowledge this, and disentangle this elephant from this emotion, this person. But it’s hard.
There are things going on right now, and decisions being made, and I’m unsure if I’ll ever forgive them. I can come to peace with these things, and understand these people that have hurt me, but never in my mind will these things be ok, and you will never catch me doing them.
I hope that someday I can see a butterfly, or an elephant, and smile at them. Love them, without these voices at the back of my mind, these faces and emotions.
But at least I can look at my yellow elephant, and know it’s not the elephant’s fault. I can look at myself, and know my intentions, and my emotions, and not fear or be critical of them. I can have grace for myself.
I know this article may not have ended in the most conclusive way, but that is life. There is hope and another article ahead, and right now, a peace.
I hope this has been helpful to some of you out there. Live well. 🙂