Emotions are things that I’ve lived with my whole life. They’re my friends in a way. They teach me who I am, they validate my experience. In turn I validate them. I’ve been through a couple traumas in life. More than a couple. I’ve been through a lot. With every new experience comes my emotions. My feelings in motion, trying to move out and express themselves. I keep being surprised by myself, the way I respond to things. It’s an intimate look into the infinite paradox of a human being. Me. Recently, I’ve found that emotions can come at the same time, and make no logical sense at all. Emotions that are typically viewed as being on opposite sides of the spectrum are entangled in such a way that they almost become one.
Recently, the main one has been sad-angry-fearful-hurt-peaceful-upset-joyful-dark-and-some-other-thing-too. Basically, ShmehhhAAAuuggg.
This was my response today to my drama teacher when he asked how I was.
It’s been a time.
But I’ve found that in the midst of all this pain, there’s a light that I still hold onto.
Sometimes I wonder why I feel so ok.
Sometimes I’m sitting in a spinny chair, listening to intense violin, stress eating pistachios and sobbing.
Sometimes I’m sitting in class and I can’t focus on what I’m doing because another mist is hanging over me.
Sometimes I’m laughing, having fun, genuinely feeling ok.
Sometimes I’m spilling my soul onto paper in the form of a poem.
Sometimes I feel ahead.
Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning.
Sometimes I’m sitting on the stairs, looking out the window, and thinking that whatever this crap is, it’s good. The world is good. It’s going to be ok.
Sometimes I’m just wondering whatever the crap this is.
Sometimes I’m ranting about how dumb the government/education system/people in general, is.
Sometimes I’m at peace.
There is heaven.
There is hell.
There’s the stuff in between.
There is life.
This is life.
And I’m here to live it.