I am in a darker place. I have so often spoken of the light while in the light. Now I will speak of the light in the darkness. But first, I’ll speak of my darkness.
Things are hard in my world, and suddenly what I thought I believed of myself is in question. I don’t know when it happened, but suddenly my security was gone.
Maybe it was when home life blew up, and I wanted to stay as far away as I could from what I saw as a destructive path.
So I took the exact opposite.
I began to hide.
I knew I was doing it, but I justified it as a trauma process, telling myself I’d bounce back at some point.
But right now, the thoughts in my head aren’t very kind.
I’ll be out in public, dressing in something comfortable, hair messy and without contacts, because I don’t care. But I do care. I suddenly find myself avoiding eye contact, ducking my head, and moving quickly. My confidence is shattered. Every time someone glances my way some new thing speaks in the back of my mind, a voice that knows exactly what to say to keep my head down and hood up, a voice that won’t stop talking.
My once bright self became scared. I’ll act like I usually do and then stop myself. The voice speaking louder.
Identify yourself. it says. Stay that way. It tells me. Be a static character.
It whispers falsities. I write them out and then write the opposite, telling myself the good things are true, yet the voice persists.
As I’m writing this, an anxious knot is forming in my stomach.
I’m telling myself to relax.
Who I thought I was is missing.
Maybe who I thought I was left with my mom.
But after that I thought I knew myself.
Maybe who I thought I was got crushed by my first heartbreak.
But then I was aware.
Maybe who I thought I was is still here.
Maybe I know who I am.
This voice in my head doesn’t.
This voice in my head knows my fears and my mistakes.
But it does not know my song.
This voice in my head knows how to keep me quiet.
But it does not know the power of my heart.
This voice in my head knows of limitations and conditional things.
But it does not know my infinity.
This voice is not who I am.
This voice is a lie.
Yes, I am dumb and weird and silly and strange and weak and loud and alone and unwanted.
I am smart and brave and strong and beautiful and kind and empathetic and loving and valued and validated and heard and seen and cared about and sought after and wanted and huggable and funny and friendly and a friend.
Yes, I like being comfy and cozy, but I also like fancy dresses and make-up and the great outdoors and mud and quading and snow forts and animals and and sunshine.
Oh how I love sunshine.
I am a many faceted diamond.
That is who I am.
I am no two dimensional shape that can be summed up in a couple words.
I am a brilliant human being.
And even in the darkness I will shine.
And I will continue to sing in the shower, dance in the rain
And wear a bath-towel as my crown.